A Day In The Life

The Tale of the Missing Tonsil Twenty-four years a…
October 17, 2006, 1:04 am
Filed under: Odds and Ends
The Tale of the Missing Tonsil

Twenty-four years ago I married a man who was in the Navy. He was from the same town in Arkansas that I was from, but he was stationed in Virginia Beach, Virginia, so that is where we lived.

I was crazy in love. This man was everything I thought I wanted so I ignored important warning signs. I knew his dad had been physically abusive to my husband and to my mother-in-law, but I wanted to believe that my husband wouldn’t be abusive toward me so that is what I believed. I was wrong. I don’t want to go into the pain, fear and emotional turmoil of my marriage in this post. I tried to make our relationship last. I tried to help, I tried to understand, I tried to forgive, but I also wanted to survive. About fifteen months into the marriage, I left my husband.

I literally hid out at a friend’s house for a week. My friend took pictures of me the night I arrived on her doorstep. She wanted to call the police, but I asked her not to. I didn’t want to press charges, I just wanted out of the marriage. I contacted a lawyer and began divorce proceedings. At this time there was a six month waiting period in Virginia before a divorce became final.

The whole ordeal became very ugly. We weren’t rich by any means, but we fought over every possession that we had. I had been living on my own for six years before we got married so I brought almost all of our furniture, appliances and household items to the marriage. We had traded in our older vehicles and purchased a new car. The car was the most expensive thing we owned. My lawyer and I made a list of all our possessions. I wanted to keep the car so I was willing to give up just about everything I had brought to the marriage so that the division of our assets would be equitable. My husband agreed to this property settlement and signed the appropriate papers. All of this squabbling lasted about three weeks.

During the entire three weeks, I was sick. I had a sore throat and an ear ache in my left ear. The symptoms were similar to a common cold, but I couldn’t get well. I didn’t go to a doctor. I kept using over-the-counter remedies, but I kept feeling worse instead of better. Finally, my friend pretty much forced me to visit a doctor. The doctor took my blood pressure and sent me to the hospital. My blood pressure was dangerously low. My blood was septic. I was one sick woman. I had an abscess in the left side of my throat.

I was given all sorts of medication and had IV’s in both arms. The doctors were trying to get me well enough for surgery. I don’t remember all the details, but after 24 hours it was decided that the abscess had to be taken care of. I went under the knife around 11:30PM my second night in the hospital. My throat was in sad shape. And my left tonsil became a casualty during surgery.

At some point during my fourth day in the hospital, my husband had a friend drive him to the hospital parking lot and that man, my now ex-husband, drove off in our car. Yep. I was flat on my back in the hospital and he took the car away from me. I couldn’t even talk much less yell like I wanted to. I wrote a note to one of my friends when she was visiting me in the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up when I was released.

In the afternoon of day six, I was told I could leave the hospital. A nurse called my friend and she picked me up and took me to her house to recuperate. As soon as I could speak (about 36 hours later), I called my lawyer and told her what had happened with the car. My lawyer was furious! She made an appointment with my husband’s commanding officer. She showed him my pictures from the night I left my husband. I don’t know what all was said. I wish I could have been in the meeting. A courier brought a new property settlement to my friend’s house for me to sign. I got everything except the car. Most of it was mine anyway, but it still felt so good to leave him with a car that we owed four years of payments on. (You may think I’m stupid, but I ended up giving my ex-husband some furniture and some items that his mother and grandmother had given us. I just couldn’t see keeping a quilt his grandmother had made and some other things like that.)

So this is a small part of the story of my life. Don’t feel sorry for me. I am a strong, independent, self-confident woman (with one tonsil). I am a survivor.

17 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Sometimes I dispise attorneys.
But I love yours.

Comment by Anonymous

It is in looking back at what we have survived that we realise our strength. Sometimes it is good to look back at the hard times just to appreciate the fact that we survived them – and in your case thrived! Good for you!

Comment by Grim Reality Girl

This is a common thread in society. Abuse seems to be hereditary.

Just as a matter of interest, that photo of me mooning was taken in far North Quensland about the time all of this was happening. Talk about diferrent lives.

Comment by Anonymous

Wow. Good for you, you are definitely a survivor!

Comment by Anonymous

I had to add…and I’m trying to get the right words…but I am so glad you got out of there. You gave your all and didn’t rationalize it till he killed you, as happens so often. That deserves respect! And even through it, you still had compassion. You are really an amazing woman!

Comment by Anonymous

He took your car while you were in the hospital??? Man! That is the lowest form of LOW! Suddenly, these song lyrics come to mind:

“At first I was afraid,
I was petrified.
Kept thinkin’ I could never live
Without you by my side.

Then I spent so many nights
Thinkin’ how you did me wrong.
But I grew strong
And I learned how to get along….”

You survived, didn’t you?

Comment by Anonymous

Yeah Songbird!
I have a cousin that was in a relationship somewhat similar to yours. . .She wound up having him admitted to a mental hospital, etc. etc.

Glad you got out when you did and you had AN AWESOME ATTORNEY. . .

Comment by Anonymous

I’m surprised you didn’t mention that the tonsil really WASN’T supposed to come out of your head!

I think this whole situation has definitely made you the strong, confident person you are today. If you hadn’t left – who knows how you would have ended up.

Then again, you were strong and confident before – or you wouldn’t have left. Kudos to you!

Comment by Tiggerlane

I admire you.

My first husband was verbally abusive. I kicked him out when he threw something at me and he moved in with his mistress and I took everything he had but his clothes.

You are a better woman.

What a powerful post.

Comment by CPA Mom

You are a survivor and I admire you for telling your story.
Thanks for sharing it.

Comment by Swampwitch

WOW! I am so proud of you to realize so quickly into the relationship that you needed out. Too many women keep going back.

And your ex sounds like the absolute LOWEST – and I’m glad you gave him back his grandma’s quilt. You didn’t need to stoop to his level.

Comment by Karmyn R

It always makes me feel good to hear from women who have been in an abusive relationship and left. It’s the only thing you can do. Lots of women will argue until the sun goes down that they can’t do it becuase they love the guy, or he’ll change, or they’re scared, or they can’t because of the kids…all of that is untrue. But how do you give that strength and determination for a better life to other women.

You really are an amazing woman and I never get tired of hearing your life stories, probably because of the light in you that seems to stay lit whether the times are tough or good.

Comment by Angelina

The paths we walk serve to make us stronger and more appreciative of what we truly can call our own.

Comment by gawilli

It takes so much strength and courage to get yourself out of a situation like that!

There is absolutely no reason why someone should feel sorry for you… they should look up to you. You brought yourself through that time with such grace!


Comment by Jodi

You sure are a survivor. A horrible marriage can eat at your soul. Good for you that you recognized it, and did something about it.

I lasted almost 3 years… 3 long years…

Marnie (anon because Blogger sucks)

Comment by Anonymous

Oh wow…what an incredible story. My husband came from a physically abusive home and I often wonder if he has those same tendencies his father did. I pray that it never happens…

Comment by Anonymous

Where are you?

Comment by Swampwitch

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